Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
