i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
