I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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