so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
