I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
