Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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