i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
