I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
