What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
