is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
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