in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
