Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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