You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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