Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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