Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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