dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
sarcasm needs its own font
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
