I love black thongs
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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