Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
