Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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