how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize