I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
