Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
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