What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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