This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
