I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I looked at my own cervix.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
