oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
