I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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