Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
