these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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