I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
