hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize