So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
birth control should be required to get into college
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
