she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize