Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
