Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
