One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
