Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
