You can't motorboat a personality
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
