he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
