I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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