I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
