I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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