i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She's like a pop up book from hell.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
