oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
