We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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