I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
