He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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