you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
