so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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