oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
