Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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