How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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