Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
