I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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