I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
