I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Randomize
