Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
