theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
