Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
there is puke in my bra ... again
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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