Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
