I think i sorta joined a cult last night
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
