At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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