on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
