life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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