But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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